Dan Brantley, a professional humorist and speaker, is one of the funniest people I know—aside from the salesperson at Nordstrom who asked if I wanted to try on swimsuits. So when he told me about some organizing products he knew would never be made, I was intrigued. After you read Dan’s descriptions, let me know which product is your favorite.

ACE “Always clean & empty” storage shed
This wonderful device is installed in your backyard and filled with all the stuff you want to keep, but don’t really need. At random intervals, a large dump truck comes along and empties your shed. The next time you go outside with Aunt Mabel’s Crock Pot, you’ll be amazed at how much space you have. Additionally the items are sold at local charity thrift stores. It’s recycling at its best!

“I’m not your mom” clothes organizer
This wonderful device looks complicated with its hooks and pockets, but each has a purpose. You hang a pair of pants on the lower hooks, the shirt goes on the upper hooks, socks clip at the bottom of the pants, underwear fits inside the pants on a special hook, and shoes slip in pockets under the socks. When you’re finished you have an entire suit that hangs in your closet, ready to wear!

Always-in-style closet
This great labor-saver uses a system of hanger conveyors like the ones in your local dry cleaners, except they have ten year’s worth of space on them and go up into your attic. By the time the first things you hung up make it back into your closet, they’re back in style. You’ll be the envy of your chic friends.

Neat home hologram
Just once, get everything neatly and perfectly arranged. Then install the Neat Home Projector in the ceilings of your rooms and take an archive picture of everything in perfect order. From then on, no matter what condition each room is in, people will only see the perfect hologram. This is especially helpful for teenage boys’ rooms. Just think, every time you pass by, their room is immaculate. Optional “Fresh Scent” hologram projectors really complete the picture and are well worth the extra cost.

Trash to treasure box
We’ve all heard the term “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Well this great device puts this into action. Place one of these boxes under the sink to catch kitchen garbage, trash from the bedrooms and bathrooms and any place you collect trash. Once the box is full, close the lid and Voila! it’s a pre-priced “mystery item” for your next garage sale. Now your trash really can lead to treasure! Encourage the purchasers to prolong the suspense by waiting until they get home to open their “treasure” box.